Two poems

Inspired by the writing style by boyfriend uses :)

Unanswered Questions

By Paige D. 9/21/14

Unanswered questions

Don't always mean the end

Instead, possibly, a beginning,

Renewal, enlightenment

Like the way your eyes shine

Glistening swirls of hope

Whispering to me

Don't be afraid

Of an unwritten ending,

Blank pages to be filled,

Wherever it leads you

I'll be there

To show you

Unanswered questions

Will vanish and we will see

Never ending love

Flowing between me and you

Trusting

By Paige D. 9/21/14

Trusting someone

isn't like opening a door

with a golden handle,

or flipping every page of

your life's book for them to read...

it is performing self-surgery

with only their words as your tools

and letting them caress your heart

while you're helpless on the operating table

gazing into the eyes of possible

destruction and death,

it is sharing your reflection

in a scarred mirror of imperfection

and praying that someone

still sees you, knows you, and believes

you're beautiful...

New

New hair cut

New Doctor Who fan shirt :)

I just want you

This made me cry because it's so true

“

Pain is part of being human. Anyone who really wanted to get rid of suffering would have to get rid of love before anything else, because there can be no love without suffering, because it always demands an element of self-sacrifice, because, given temperamental differences and the drama of situations, it will always bring with it renunciation and pain.

When we know that the way of love — this exodus, this going out of oneself — is the true way by which man becomes human, then we also understand that suffering is the process through which we mature. Anyone who has inwardly accepted suffering becomes more mature and more understanding of others, becomes more human. Anyone who has consistently avoided suffering does not understand other people; he becomes hard and selfish.

Love itself is a passion, something we endure. In love I experience first a happiness, a general feeling of happiness. Yet, on the other hand, I am taken out of my comfortable tranquility and have to let myself be reshaped. If we say that suffering is the inner side of love, we then also understand by it is so important to learn how to suffer — and why, conversely, the avoidance of suffering renders someone unfit to cope with life. He would be left with an existential emptiness, which could then only be combined with bitterness, with rejection, and no longer with any inner acceptance or progress toward maturity.

”

—	Pope Benedict XVI on suffering.

Bright Eyes

I am his bright eyes.

BADWOLF

I am a Whovian and proud of it!

Flowy Hair

Me :)

My Gold

My Gold

By Paige D. 7/4/14

This time,

This time I’m feeling it’s real

This time,

This time I’m seeing it all come true

Believe, believe

I do, I do, I do indeed

Some say living life is easier

When you have someone to live it with you

Someone who builds you higher

Than you already are

Taking you to the top of the highest rock

On top of the tallest mountain when you thought

You were already as tall as you could get

Someone who wants you to have the world

But this person isn’t always easy to find

And the universe may make you stumble along the way

But in the end, it can always provide

Soul mate you say? Well, maybe so

But when I look into his eyes

All I really think is

My gold

That’s my gold right there

I’m the richest woman in the world

Because of the love he gives

Maybe it was the universe who brought me to him

Maybe it was God, maybe both,

All I know is he’s my gold

Someone who loves every part of me

I’ve found that someone

And I’m the luckiest woman alive

Because he takes me to the highest of highs

And keeps me from the lowest of lows

Always willing to be by my side

Through my worst and my best

His love forever shows

And this time,

This time I feel that it’s my time to be happy

And this time,

This time I feel like I have what I need

My gold, my gold,

He’ll always come through for me…

Misfits

I think I've found that someone

Wolves and Werewolves

Wolves and Werewolves... my favorite :)

All That's Left

All That’s Left

By Paige D. 6/27/14

Sometimes my gut still clenches in pain

When I see that he is still real

The betrayer that cut out my heart

After caring for it so gently

The one who asked me for a family

Told me he cherished my friendship

Promised me an eternity of love

Only to become angry

Only to break my heart

And when I see that he still exists

All that’s left is pain…

A Typical Day

For some reason it’s the realistic dreams that really twist my nerves. Like the dream I had last night about the man who tore my heart to bits acting like he wanted to be my best friend. I probably would’ve had a stomach ache after I woke up if I hadn’t rolled over and seen the man I’m in love with. 6:40am, “are you going to put that on snooze?” he asks and tiredly I say “yes” then roll over and hit snooze on the harry potter alarm, then hit snooze again, then see it’s 7:05 and force myself to sit up my body urges me to the bathroom. I stumble over him, the bed, clothes, myself. I take a piss, he takes a piss, life is good as I stare at his face neck clavicles chest nipples stomach hips—ooooh those hipssss… my head fuzzes up even more. Saying goodbye, kissing goodbye, hating goodbye. Three hours is too long. More weird dreams. Luckily I don’t have to wait long until I hear a knock—a knock that promises the sweet taste of heaven and promises of so much more to this life. Rush to the door “sorry babe, I was in the garage” I say to my Infinity. kisskisskisskisskiss mmmmm. Chores, chores, chores. Puppy. Food. Movie shortly followed by his beautifulhandsomewonderful face in my lap. Followed by something that begins with the letter S. Sweat, that’s right. Sweat… Oh, damn, time flies by too quickly when you’re having fun. Eat, five hours of work—which means five hours of people hungry for knowledge (or sometimes just needing to get away from their lives so they use the public computers and stare at the screen for two hours) and booksbooksbooks oh glorious books! And don’t forget music and movies…wwaaayyyyy too many movies. People LOVE movies. I wish they loved books more. Break time. Lean back in a chair with greasy, unhealthy but delicious food that soothes my soul…er, I mean stomach. Close my eyes and allow myself to find him. She walks in and he fades away and I’m forced to listen to her talktalktalktalk. Ears fallen in my lap now, I finally finish my food and get up. She’s still talking as I leave. That’s okay, I signed up for this. Two more hours, then… Home! Oh…home… Puppy play time. Me time. Nope, just kidding, she walks in the door. Let the 20 questions game begin! I wish I could just wear a sign that read I’M EITHER WORKING ON A PROJECT, IN DEEP THOUGHT, OR JUST DON’T WANT TO BE BOTHERED—I’LL TALK WHEN I’M READY—WHICH COULD BE A FEW DAYS FROM NOW. 25 questions later, she’s busy, I’m trying to release some of the tension I have stored up while waiting patiently for his eyes, mouth, hands, everything that is him to be in my arms again. The result? This. I’m only slightly pleased. He is a better writer than me.

Well, maybe not better. But different. Either way, I’m jealous.

I’ve never felt this way about someone who I love. What do I do? Can I live up to my expectations?

All I want to be is great.

Music :)

Songs that I have been listening to recently:

Hope - Xavier's Theme (from X-Men: Days of Future Past)

Settle Down - Kimbra

Precious Things - Tori Amos

The Monster - Eminem feat. Rihanna

Latch - Disclosure feat. Sam Smith

Pictures I enjoy

A few pictures I found recently that I really like. Hope you all enjoy them, too. Google images and Deviantart.com are a blessing :)

Graduation, 21st, Tonks

\

My graduation from community college. I graduated with an Associates degree in English and a certificate of Achievement in English as well. Now on to University!

My first legal drinks. A shot of rasberry kamikaze and a mixed drink that tasted like fruit punch.

My Tonks is getting so big! She turned 7 months on the 23rd :)

Almost Ready

Almost Ready

6/25/14

Home
But not completely

Sitting in the living room
Because I feel a little less life
When we're apart
Restlessness settles in
The place that should be comfort
I close my eyes and try to recall
Your hands running along my body still
I'm stuck in the wanting stage
Wanting this, wanting that, wanting
A future with you always
Stuck waiting for the day I'll smile and say confidently
I know
Every time I look into your eyes
But first I need to erase my fears
And I'm so close so close
So close I can feel your breath on my lips
As soft skin begins to mold mesh together
Two bodies two souls
Love is two paths ending together the same
Could this finally be it
Could you finally be the one
My heart dares to believe
But my scars scream a warning
Am I ready to believe in such a mythical coming
Together as one 
I reach for your eyes and whisper
Almost, almost, kiss me, almost

Ready to believe

Always…

Clinging Water Droplets

Author's Note: Inspired by the movie "Cloud Atlas"

Clinging Water Droplets

By Paige D. 6/19/14

We are all connected
Trickling together to form a bigger wave
Lives interweave like pieces of twine
Spinning together to form both
Good and bad surges
Of cause and effect, forever
Altering the future that was already
Altered by the past
Our lives are not our own
We share each moment with
The past and future
I look at you and see my past and future
My mind walks along the trail
That lead me to you
And I thank God for every inch
My mind imagines a future together
No longer able to see any other
Option, my life belongs to you
As yours belongs to me
And I'm okay with that
I'm in love with you
For you
Are the most beautiful man
I have ever known 
And we are two droplets
Clinging tightly on
As we fall into the ocean swell
And ripple across the universe
Of love
Belonging to one another
Radiantly honest and true
Love brought me to you…

My Tattoos

In December of 2012 I got my first tattoo, which was followed by three others in June of 2013 and March of 2014. 

This was my first tattoo. It took three hours, no breaks, and no tears! The two roses symbolize growth and beauty. The paw print symbolizes the wolf. The Latin words "Spiritus Lupi" translate to "Wolf's Spirit". The cross in the treble clef symbolize my love for music and faith. Lastly, the symbol within the paw print in the 5th chakra and it stands for "communication".

These were my second and third tattoos. God is Love and Love is God. Pretty self-explanatory, but to me it really symbolizes that all things are possible through love, all things are possible through God. Love and God, God and Love, are in essence the same. I feel a person can love more fully with God in their life and I feel that someone can understand God better with Love in their life.

This is my fourth and most recent tattoo. "Louve" in French means "She-wolf" (same as female wolf) and another reason I loved this word was because it looks very similar to the English word "Love".

My Puppy, Tonks

A lot has changed since April, 2012. One of those changes is now I have my dream dog. This is Tonks, my 4 month old Newfoundland puppy. She is named after the Harry Potter character. For those of you interested in knowing more about the Newfoundland breed here is a link to follow Newfoundland Club of America. I traveled up to Redding California to get her and she is now a huge (literally and figuratively) part of my life. At 4 months old she is already 37 pounds and growing every day it seems. She runs like a grizzly bear cub and has the face of one, too, except all black (as clearly displayed by the pictures). Her favorite past times are playing with her toys, taking long naps, playing in her water bowl, and terrorizing my other dog Manchu (in photo above) and the two cats we have.  She is currently in puppy training classes, but sometimes I worry about whether or not I will be able to control her when she outweighs me (she is expected to be anywhere from 95-120lbs). She overall is a very smart and obedient and extremely loving dog, but around other animals and people all she wants to do is jump all over them. We are definitely working on controlling this. So far she hasn’t destroyed anything in the house and we hardly puppy-proofed it, so she isn’t destructive. The biggest task we have with her now is getting her to leave the other pets alone, and staying calm when guests come over. Sometimes she really tests my limits, but overall she is my big baby.

April, two years later

So, it’s been a while since I’ve written on here, but recently I’ve been inspired to start using this blog again though I’m not sure if anyone looks at it. However, for those who might, it’s time to catch up on the past two years I’ve fallen MIA. After being in love twice during the last two years and realizing that neither of those loves were very beneficial to me, I’m inspired to try to think more positively. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but I have this feeling that won’t go away that it was my negativity, worry, and never being satisfied that played a part in the destruction of two relationships, both of which I thought would last “forever.” And now that I’ve begun a new relationship with someone who I greatly admire and yet I’m already beginning to sink back into my worrisome, unsatisfied, negative ways, I am attempting to put a stop to it immediately.

I believe this year the biggest challenge for me will be to let things happen as they need to happen. I’m extremely impatient, I’m impulsive, and stubborn. Yet I’m a hopeless romantic. All of these things combined, I’m pure danger. However, someone has accepted the challenge that is me, and with accepting me I have allowed myself to begin to sink deeper and deeper into the challenge that is him. My main goal is to accept him with pure positivity. Wish me luck as I begin another chapter of my life, one that I desperately hope will be more beneficial to me than the past two years. I have no idea where this is going to go, and while my mind immediately wants to focus on the negative what-ifs, I won’t let it. Controlling my mind is my most difficult challenge, but I’m taking it. I have to if I want to reach my goals. I will enjoy every moment of whatever this is and whatever this will be. 

Your Tug On My Heart

Your Tug On My Heart

By Paige D. 4/2/14

Hey, hey, see me

Pat attention to me, please notice me

Listen to the voice in your head

And the skip in your heart

Whenever you come near me

Hey, hey, see me

Was what the tug on my heart said

When we first met, when I first gave in

I always knew deep inside something

Was special when I looked into your eyes

There may not have been fireworks

But there was still a tug on my heart I couldn’t

Ignore, and when we got to talking,

It was like I was suddenly walking on air

But I had so many stepping stones

To stumble over before I met you

And I’m still stepping over a few

Which is why I’m still a little scared inside

When I think of how close we’ve come so soon

I feel the love and devotion, the comfort and hope,

And I want all of those feelings to continue to grow

Healthily and happily between me and you

Once again, I am finding faith

In the love of another

Now I put that faith in you

I know I am still damaged

But I know I met you for a reason

I am holding onto that belief

And so I took that little tug I felt

And I took a chance and made you mine

I can’t promise that I’ll be your forever

I swore I’d never make that promise again

Because I’m not easy to love

But I can promise that I want to be

And though I can’t say that I’m not afraid

Please know that I am still happy

I want our dreams to mesh

Our trust to be unbreakable

Our love to be the puzzle piece to each other

Is it scary that I already want so much?

But I know that for a while you have

Wanted to know what it would be like to love me

And secretly I wondered if you could

Now, I am yours, and you are mine

I just want a love that can last

That is why I could not ignore

Your tug on my heart

We write our story together now

And maybe instead of writing The End

We will write Eternity…